HUGE epiphany

Maybe it’s the memory of my Mum
Maybe it’s the memory of an eclectic childhood
Maybe it’s the memory of my siblings
Maybe it’s the memory of my Dad whistling & the mischievousness in his eyes – lol
Maybe it’s the memory of Hazel & her massive energy filling me up!!!
Maybe it’s the memory of third degree burns on my right foot at age 3, nearly losing it or my toes, in hospital for three months – lovingly taken care of & my mum having to re-dress it every 2 hours when I got home with a screaming child as the delicate healing skin hurt – she was so strong & caring for that child way back then

Maybe it’s the changes in everyone in my family when we sailed to the West Indies – not all Happy changes – and the rape and then the molestation of both me and my sister

Maybe it’s the memory of reaching the Canadian Nationals swimming finals – then giving up before I gave it a chance out of fear

Maybe it’s the memory of boarding school & the magical Sr Barbara who took me under her wings & kept in contact with me for years after until her death about five years ago back in Guyana

Maybe it’s the memory of Laura in Puerto Rico, a newly married mum who took care of me because my mum was ‘healing’

Maybe it was my first kiss with the cutest little boy in Halifax
Maybe it was riding on the back of my brother’s motorbike in Halifax, laughing with such delight!

Maybe it’s as simple as the chocolate I love
Maybe it’s windsurfing
Maybe it’s dancing
Maybe it’s the memory of skydiving at 10,000 ft a few months after leaving a 29 year marriage – wow – freedom Angel-style!
Maybe it’s the memory of finally having the strength to leave that marriage 7 years ago & facing my fear of being alone, no money & starting over

Maybe it’s the love of the sea – like my Dad
Maybe it’s the love of being outside & running
Maybe it’s the memory of running barefoot as a child in Puerto Rico and later taking years for the calluses to wear down – lol! – honestly disliked shoes for the longest time!!!

Maybe it’s the job losses, divorce, financial ‘changes’, home location changes, body changes & friendship/love changes

Maybe it’s all the people who have entered my life – come and gone and some still close by – who honestly taught me so much of what love truly is

Maybe it’s the accumulation of a colourful life journey

Here I am at 57 – honestly starting from scratch & finally facing my mirror & – with honesty – facing each and EVERY dark fear I’ve kept locked up within

You know – I was feeling as if I failed in so many ways; that at 57 I hadn’t achieved much – what was I giving back?

So – here’s the truth

I am giving back by being honest about who I am – completely honest
And healing, from the core out

I am raw
I am vulnerable
I am a crybaby when I need to be
I am loving & loved
I am a woman with depth
I am filled with blood of the Earth, oceans & stars
I am honest
I am flawed imperfect & unique
I am creative simply by being me
I am breathing & moving
I am a handful at times lol
I am intense
I am feisty
I am heartfelt

I AM ALIVE!!!

And I AM FREE!!!

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